March 2, 2015

Honest to Blog: Low Self Esteem

This is not really a normal topic for me to post about on my blog, but it is something that effects every minute of my day.  I can honestly say that I can't remember a single time in my life where I have felt good about myself.  I've always been bullied.  I remember being four years old at church and being told by two girls that I couldn't play with them because I wasn't "like them".  I remember being in elementary school and a playmate of mine telling me that I couldn't play the make believe game with her and the other girl because I was too fat.  I remember a family member, who at the time I looked up to, calling me a fat cow.  I remember in sixth grade a friend telling me I was too chubby to wear nice clothes.  I remember starving myself the first year of Junior high.  I then remember being called a "Scary skeleton" (which technically was true).  I remember in high school being told by someone I cared for that I wasn't all that pretty.  As of recently I've been deemed "uncool" to hangout with one of my old friends.  Another person also mocked my college choice, my scholarship I earned,  the way I talk.

I've never been given credit for anything I have accomplished, rather I receive a lot of criticism.  It always seems to be criticism over unimportant things as well.  I just wish someone would give me credit for everything I've done by myself.

I suppose it doesn't really matter what other people think of me, but Its like when you have a mosquito bite.  Sure, its itchy and hurts at first, but if you leave it alone it goes away.  However, if you continue to scratch it, you'll make it an open, raw wound that can leave a scar.  Mean comments are like that.  A few comments and you can shake them off, but years and years of hearing the same things will leave a scar.

These last two months have quite an adjustment.  I transferred from a college I had been so excited to attended to a community college for the semester.  I'm back living at home when most people are away.  I've been struggling with depression and a gastric illness.  And currently I find myself rather friendless.  Its very rare for someone to respond to a text of mine, and no one seems to ever want to spend time with me.

I just want someone to genuinely care about me. I want to genuinely care about me.  It'd be nice to wake up in the morning and not think I need fixing.  I wish I could say "screw those people" and get on with my life, but I can't. I care too much of what people think of me.

Sorry for this rant, my blog is just my safe place to talk about things.  I don't really have anyone close to me to talk about things with, so I turn to my blog.  Who knows, maybe someone will read this and be going through the same thing as I am and not feel as alone.

Again I am sorry about this post, it'll be back to happier topics next post, I promise!