April 9, 2012

Honest to Blog// Down in the Dumps.

It's one of those days. You know those days when every little thing just drives you nuts and all the emotions you've been bottling are going off like a diet coke with mentos?Yep. One of those days. I woke up so mad at myself! I HATE how I have put on so much weight since my mom passed! I HATE how no matter how many exercise tapes I do or how many times I go workout with a trainer I only seem to GAIN more weight! Looking at me now you would NEVER imagine this is the same girl who 4 years ago went to the hospital for anorexia. Yep it's true I used to be anorexic, which was dumb because I wasn't fat in the first place I was already pretty darn skinny when I started starving myself. But now according to my BMI chart, mirror, and jeans I am over weight. A few weeks ago this boy I eat lunch with at school called me fat, and I promise if I had been at home and not at school I would have been balling my eyes out! But all of my friends told me how special and unique I was and some how that made me so confident I went shopping for new clothes for the first time in a year! (ouch I know your talking to someone who LOVES fashion too!) But of course that confidence was short lived and I gradually got more and more in the dumps about my weight. Have you ever had that one friend who you really like to spend time with when it is just you and her/him, but when others are around your so embarrassed to be seen with that person? Well that how I am with myself. I love my self when I'm home alone and no one has to be around me. But when I'm out with friends or just out in town I'm pretty embarrassed about my socially awkwardness(I'm not awkward around my friends just people I don't know that well), my overweight, grotesque body, and anything else I can find and excuse to dislike. That's not how life is suppose to be. Sorry I'm ranting but I had to get this off my chest or I will never sleep tonight. To top off all this body hatred this Thursday I have to wear my majorette uniform! When I first got it before my mom died and I turned to food for comfort, It fit perfectly! But this passed season it was tight and uncomfortable and gave me SO many body insecurities! Now I've gained 10lbs since marching season(the last time i wore my uniform) And if it was all of the above back then just imagine how awful it will be now. I'm really not looking for to Thursday and it should be an AWESOME day... Now I know your probably reading this a saying to yourself "Dang, this girl has issues! I'm not coming to her blog again!" and I'm very sorry if I'm offending you by this post. I usually am a pretty happy, upbeat person, but sometimes I get down in the dumps like Everyone eles. I'm only human after all. And I really felt like putting my feelings out there in the universe so I could get them off my chest and move on. Unlike alot of people I don't really have someone to talk to to give me words of wisdom. I have my dad but he's not that sort of guy really. He's the help me with my AP homework kind of guy. So I'm very sorry for all of this. Please continue to come to my blog! I have some super stellar DIY's, Nail post, and other fun post this week! Your not going to want to miss! Thanks for all the support from those who read my blog and/or follow it. It really does mean alot!
a picture of my kitty, Hollyleaf, for listening to me!